12 22 2010!!!!!!!!!

look at that date!!!!!!!!! it's like my birthday date( of course in our calendar!)

 I didn't want to post anything here before you leave me again and you left me today!

It's like my birthday dates, will be the worse days in my life.

it took only 10 days for you to leave me again.

but this time , it was very unfair.

i needed you today. I needed you to be a calm man and take care of me only for one day. 

But you thought like always that I don't deserve that. 

When you even said I was nice and loving the last time we talked. even for returning that to me, you refused to be kind with me. 

Today was one of the hardest day for me in my life and you still with knowing that, 

refused to help me. 

Now, I am here, wondering, if you could not be good today, 

how can I count on you for any other day?

The truth is, the more I stay with you, The more I see how much you hate me. 

You don't spend a minute for us. you don't spend a day for us to make something happens.

You just hate me and how difficult and heartbreaking it is, to be in love with who hates me the most...

Dec 12 2010-1

I didn't post anything here for a week. because you came back to me.

but you left me again!

you are like wind in a hot summer.

You blow and when I close my eyes to enjoy this cool wind, you leave me and then, I realize It is summer and it is hot again.

We both know the only reason I have tolerated so much physical pain, it was becasue of YOU. it was because I wanted to get better for you. but what is my reason with you?

You don't know how stress and tears will kill me. You don't care and I understand.

Because You won't be here to see me, to hug me and to kiss me.

You asked me to think of us in the future before I sleep and how could you offer something like that to me when you wanted to just leave me!

Do you know how many dreams I had about you these nights? do you know each night i convinced myself to sleep in peace because tomorrow i can share my life with you?

the truth is, you didn't come back to stay. 

you wanted to leave

and I think there is no reason for me to be hopeful...

you already said how much you hate me and 

GOD! why am I in love with someone who hates me?... is that your way for punishing me?

Dec 04 2010

Another day without you.

I have lost all of my hopes.

I know you won’t come back to me.

All of my wishes, dreams and happiness for having a loving future with the only man who I am so in love with in this world is dying now.

I don’t pray anymore. There is no God who can hear me. There is no one who can see my tears. There is no one who cares for me. I’m alone, like 6 years ago; between some animals who want to use me…I’m alone again…

The only difference is, I have a broken heart this time, and a missing piece which you took it from me and I will never find it anywhere else with anyone else…

I already am dead.

Dec 03 2010-2

I miss you terribly

I am lost and restless

All my life everyone I had loved had left me. With you, I was so confident.

So secure in the thought of forever.

You were my home and now, i am walking in the streets of loneliness, and with each step, I look around maybe I can find you somewhere, but you are not there

And I am again, missing you, wishing for a miracle that may never happen….

Dec 03 2010-1

One week without you is like one moment without air, like one day without food and a week without water.

One week without you is like a month without sunshine or shelter.

One week without your voice is like a year without the sound of music, or birds, or rain and thunder.

One week without you is a week without sleep, for my heart knows no rest, and my nights give no peace.

One week without your love and my days are empty of beauty;

One week without speaking with you is like years alone in the wilderness or a deserted island; I may talk with people on the streets, my soul has no communion.

One week without you is like years in a prison; my soul knows no freedom.

One week without you in my life is like no life at all!

Dec 02 2010-2

Every morning I wake up and there is a pain that shoots through my heart. The thought that I have to spend another day without you rips my soul apart. 

Every night, I sit here in sorrow, wishing I could hold you.

You are the only one that ever made me so happy. No one could ever take your place. I feel as if my soul has stolen my heart and left me to cry myself to sleep each and every night with guilt in my heart of how I hurt you.

I know sorry is just a word, but I am so SORRY for hurting you,

I beg with every millimeter of my soul : please forgive me!

Dec 02 2010-1

Loving you is the greatest thing in my life and I could never imagine how much loving someone can feels good. I could never see it as something enjoyable until you left me. But now, the truth is, I can not love someone else anymore. I can not give a piece of my heart to anyone else, when my heart broke, you took the biggest piece with yourself and now, it’s an incomplete broken heart.

No one can heal it; nothing can heal it, except you because you are having the missing piece.

You can not send the missing piece to my address, because it needs some magical glue which comes from your heart.

In the last 6 years, we shared too many moments with each other and it’s my only history of love. You are my only picture of love, and I can not, I can not forget these years and put them behind.

Because this is the history I will never forget and I will never be able to start over with someone else.

Death is for someone like me. Death is like going to heaven. Because now that I know being in this world won’t bring you back to me, maybe going to another world that I even don’t know if it exist, can help me to find you. Maybe dying will help me to fly to you, to your home, to your bed and caress your face like what I always imagined I would love to do in my dreams.

Maybe one day, you would feel something is caressing your face, maybe one day, my love would pass all of the filters and walls you made and would reach to your heart… then, I would say

I LOVE YOU ANDREW, FOR ALL OF MY LIFE AND AFTER I DIES, I LOVED YOU AND WILL LOVE YOU…

Baby, the truth is, every day, every second I am praying and begging God, you come back to me, and tell me that meaningful sentence that you said too many times before, but I never understood its meaning…

That, you love me too and you would never leave me again…

I think I will die of happiness at that moment.