April 08 2011-I hate the way I could never hate you.

Time will make you forget me but time will make me love you more than before.

***

Andrew,

I am lost without you. I don’t even know where to begin

How are you doing in your life without me in it?

I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I don’t have. It's really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don't want to let him go but it is even more painful to ask someone to stay if they never wanted to stay.

I hate the way I could never hate you.

I let you go Because no matter what I want, you wanted me to be out of your life. You said if i love you so much, I have to let you go and I did it.... When my heart was breaking apart...

still here I am, hurting and breaking

I know every day I will wait if my phone will ring, I will force myself to sleep, Maybe somehow i can catch you in my dreams.

Without you, oh, without you Andrew,

this world is too empty to live.

even cursing you won't make me feel better. This heavy and deep sadness in my heart doesn't let me to get up again, to move forward, to walk. 

My love for you, comes from the deepest part of my heart. That’s the reason why I died inside when you left.

 because you took a piece of my heart and left a hole in that! 

The more I love, the more I feel the pain. 

You never realized what was happening to me, all the time I was begging for your love, you pretended it is somewhere in your heart, but I never saw it anymore. today, i found out why. it was dead. a long time ago...

I wonder how you are now, I don’t know if you are OK,
or ....

I wish you are happy now,; now that I'm removed from your life. Now, that you don't have anyone to break her heart every day, Now, that you don't have to be bad and unkind....I wish you are satisfied, now, that I know how deep your hate for me is... 

I just know, from now on, I will feel one thing,

Just MISSING you All the time,

and I just will do one thing,

Just looking for who I met in my dreams, my imaginations and my tears.

The reality is as dark as your heart is... full of hate, disappointment, loneliness, and depression.

i will find my happiness in LOVING you, even if you're gone and are loving someone else.

Maybe it will be good to have someone somewhere in this world, to LOVE you when you don't love them, 
maybe it's good...

 

April 01 2011

Again me and missing you, But there is nothing I can do anymore.\

I tried to fight with my depression, I tried very hard to stay hopeful, to tell myself everything will get better but I can't continue this anymore, not alone... you say you're there for me, but the truth is, you're not. NOT when

I need you.

I am not a weak woman, truly i am very strong  But I'm tired of being strong. there is no point in doing that anymore. I am 28! too old for having dreams... i have to live in reality and the reality is telling me, there is no hope in wishing lovely days with you anymore. 

Last night, for the first time, I was missing you and didn't want to contact you.. then, I walked and saw my mom was sleeping and realized now, I can't hug her too... now, i am very lonely. There is no one anywhere in this world that is missing me and wanting to hold me tightly anymore...

Mar 22 2011

Everything is so funny!

You called me on my birthday, you were like a dream coming true! You were kind, loving and sweet!

But because it was a DREAM, is gone now!

I can't say how much I loved you more on those days, I was so happy, even with the problems i was dealing with, I was happy for having someone on this earth who IS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH ME...

but it's gone, you're gone again....

I don't want to call you anymore, I feel destroyed, i feel broken, I feel like someone who is happy as long as she is sleeping... I can not live without you, NOT only because I'm in love with you, also, because I can not find one small reason for wanting another man or being with them.

I really love you, you will read these sentences so soon. you might not find me then. I am telling you, on these days of MY NEW YEAR, I am so lonely, but i don't want to share my lonely moments with anyone else. 

I was not with you because I was alone without you!

AND I will stay alone because I can only be with you...

I love you SO MUCH

March 04-You left me again!

It was only a few days ago when you said you can not LIVE without me!

and it was today, when you cursed me and left me alone....

You're right baby, you don't love me... it is all  your imagination... you can leave me alone and don't care about anything else anymore...

I will never be happy for the days I wasted and I hurt your heart... but I will never be happy for the days you spent with me, but your heart never was with me, you kept breaking me, breaking my heart and showing me nothing but HATE...

it seems i am nothing in your life and you just lied when you said you can't live without me... 

you can, as easy as you can hang on phone, the only connection i am having with you... yes, you really hate me, i wish i could hate you... i wish...

Feb 23 2011

I miss you SO MUCH!

That's the only thing I can feel, can say and can think of right now!

I AM MISSING YOU SO F U C K ING MUCH!

Feb 18 2011-Missing U

Missing you is killing me!

Maybe you’re doing the same thing as me...

I could kiss you a thousand times and still not be satisfied.

Maybe you want to call me so badly, but you won’t, because I didn’t call you yet… And then again, maybe I should not fill myself with an empty hope that you might just be missing me like I'm missing you. 

I am missing you so f*ucking much Andrew!

Feb 14 2011-Happy Valentin'es Day

The very first real Valentine’s Day that I had was with you. Before that, I never had a reason to celebrate it and to be excited for that day. I never felt anything better than the first one that we shared with each other. But what made the rest of them nicer and deeper, was our hopes. For having another one like the first one.

Today, I am carrying the memories of being with you, of being happy with you and sharing love with you. Today, even if you’re not with me, even if you’re not spending your “LOVE” day with me, I can’t change my mind and ask my heart to replace these memories with something newer. Once you have what you desired for in all of your life, you won’t accept anything smaller than that. I felt what everybody calls is: love, with you, on this day; even if it was only one time.

 It’s not about me convincing myself to give another chance to my heart to fall in love again; it’s about how far my heart let me go. My heart enjoys when I think of our memories, it cries because they are only memories not anything more, but it doesn’t let me look for something real again. Whatever is real happens one time.

 Love happens one time for everybody. When one time my heart started beating faster with knowing you were going to call me, when I cried for missing you, for losing you, it can happens one time. Maybe some people are right that the real love will leave you tears at the end.

I always was thinking we can change this theory, if it started with tears, maybe we could have a bigger happiness at the end…

Anyway,

I am sending this short email to you, because you are the only one who I loved and will love. And since this day is all about love, I’ll tell you: Happy Valentine’s day.

I have to be realistic even if it hurts so much. I have to face the idea of you being with the one who you really love today, or searching for the one who you want to give your endless love to. But whatever it is, I hope you find what you’re looking for today.

Because today is all about love, I want to tell you thank you for the love you gave me on the first and most beautiful Valentine’s Day that I had in all of my life. Thank you for making my heart beats faster and thank you for opening my eyes on many things that I didn’t know about guns, about honesty…

Maybe I never said this to you, but all the time you were talking about guns, and I was trying so hard to understand what you exactly mean, I was enjoying, it was like a hard work for me and when at the end, I could understand your meaning; I was feeling like someone who passed a very hard exam… I was happy when I could understand you while you were talking about your interests. Whatever I know about English, I learned it from you, now, my dreams and wishes are more special, because I know the language I want to express myself in them, now, I’m able to write much more correct letters to you than before.

You’re the only special person of my dreams, my world and my whole life

(Not the other meaning of special!); I do miss you all the time and while I am sitting in my small room (you can call it closet!), I have a very clear of the picture of who I want to be here. When I see an empty chair, I know I who I can accept to sit there. When I look at the small space between my fingers, I know whose fingers I want to fit there. I’m glad that I am carrying your picture on my heart, my mind and my whole life.

Whatever happens to me from the time you left me, will never be your fault. I have made too many mistakes in these years, because I found something extremely strange for my heart. Something that I didn’t know how I should react to its deep world.

Now, I know what I want from this world. I know, I am aware, that I will live in the wish of having your endless love again and I know it will stay a wish forever. The truth is, it is much nicer deeper and much more beautiful than trying looking for someone who I know is not and can’t be my special man. I lost what I had because of loneliness, stupidity, lies and … but none of these dark moments of my relationship with you, will convince me to start over again with someone else.

When I close my eyes, when I try to imagine a warm bed, I see your bed in my head even if I know that is not going to be me there! But I see your body lying next to mine, I see feeling your breathing on my skin; I see your red blanket and feel it very well. And that is not what I wish for. That is the only thing my mind and my heart can think of, and feel it the same time.

Life is all about balances and harmonies. I cannot trust what my body is asking me to do when my heart is refusing it completely. I can’t trust what my heart needs when my mind is telling me NO! but I found where I can have peace, and it is when I think of YOU, being around you, talking to you, laughing with you, making love to you, walking on the beach in a very cold night holding your hands, laying next to you on a sunny day on the grass, playing with pillows and play station with you and looking at you when you’re having a nice dream and are smiling while you’re sleeping…

I found my happiness and my peace in finding you at the same time in my mind and my heart and my body. Now, everything is balanced, everything is beautiful.

You are not a sick crazy man and you will never be. You’re great and I am sure you will stay great.

I LOVE YOU, I love you and I always will love you. I think I owe this sentence so much to you, because there was a time that I refused to say it to you, and there was a time that I thought I didn’t love you. There was a time that I found my peace in hating you and wanting to stay far from you, but while I was far, I lost that small peace too. Fighting with you always was and will be much deeper and beautiful than being in an endless peace with anyone else.

Maybe my manifest destiny is to lose you and then, realize how much I am in love with you. And it is the Consequences of too many wrong decisions I made. 

Happy Valentine’s Day Andrew,

my only man and my only love.

I wish the most beautiful loving successful days for you because you deserve to have them and

I will be PROUD OF LIVING WITH YOU for the rest of my life even if

 it WILL BE ONLY A LONG ENDLESS DREAM FOREVER….

Sh.B

Feb 14 2011