The moment I decided to let you see this page( that I am sure you didn’t even read my heart’s words), I knew it’s time for my death. I knew I would be completely disappointed, depressed and heartbroken.
I tried so hard to talk to you every time you came back to me. I tried to open my heart for you; I tried to reveal my pains for you so you see what is behind all of my pains, is your love. I tried to ask you to let me love you, to help me to show my love but I didn’t reach you. I never could reach you. You were hiding somewhere behind your pains and your sadness and I was much smaller than your hate.
I never thought one day, I will decide to end my life. I never thought I would do it before I can feel your arms around me and your lips on mine. But it’s time to leave baby. Like the story of that 2 famous lovers: Romeo and Juliet.
I hope you are alive and you stay alive. I hope nothing in this world can hurt you ever again. I hope you become so rich to buy everything you want. I hope you find your real love. I hope you can hate me more than today and more than ever that never have to feel bad for my death. I have to be out of your life and for that I have to be removed from this world.
I want to say the things that I wanted to say recently for many times to you, but I couldn’t. Because you always were busy for shouting at me, cursing me, breaking me under your feet and showing me how cheap I am in your life.
I wanted to open my heart for you so badly. I wanted to say these things before my death. But…
I am so in love with you. I am so much in love with you. I am sure when you love someone; you will do everything you can to share it with that woman. You can be the greatest man on this earth. When you smile, I always remember when I said I loved your smile and you told me your smile, is like a dog’s smile and I remember I was thinking in my mind, how he can say that, this is the most beautiful smile I have ever seen from a man. I know with all of my heart, when you are in love with a woman, you are so sweet, so loving, very deep and extremely caring.
I never felt what I am feeling for you. I never felt the beats of my heart and how they become faster when I talk about having you in my arms. I know I complained so much recently. But the truth is, if we could be alive for 100 years, and if I could never feel your love one day more, I still would remember how it was when you loved me. I still would remember how your love was affecting on my dark broken heart in years and how it opened my eyes on dark secrets of my life to see them, to accept them and to pass them. Your love made me an adult. Your love was like a vitamin for my soul. For me that was always my biggest obstacle in my own life. Your love was fresh, like spring blossoms. Your love was pure like water; your love was tender and delicious. Your love was making me feel alive. Making me enjoy being alive. Your love was my third leg when my legs were tired of walking in this road. Your love made me another person. Your love helped me to breathe again whenever I was about to die under the pressure of my pains.
When I lost your love, I lost myself. I lost the road that I was in. when I lost your love; I was a lonely stupid tired girl again. A bitch that didn’t know anyone else but herself. I was nothing again. I couldn’t find any meaning in anything else anymore. Without your love, I was a mountain of anger and tears. I was like a dead body that wants to bite and hurt. I was and am nothing without your love.
There were so many days that I wanted to call you, as soon as I hear your voice scream so loudly on the phone that: baby, I am SO in love with you, please give your heart back to me, I will never break it.
But I knew I shouldn’t do that. You could never have peace with a piece of shit like me. You could never sleep next to me and do not remember how many other people touched me. The last time, I was taking a shower it was the time you were asking me for a video. I was washing my skin so hard that it became really red. It started hurting. I wanted to wash all of my pains away; I wanted to make myself pure like a baby again. I knew I will never have the place I wanted to have in your heart. I knew I could never tell you how much I love you and you don’t doubt it at first. I knew I f u c k ed up and I had to carry the pain alone on my shoulder. The very least thing I deserved was to die in pain and tears. But I could never hate you. The days I told you I hated you; I hated myself for saying that. I wanted to kill myself for saying the greatest lie in my life to you. I could never hate you, if you were hitting me every day, if you were hurting me so much, if you were torturing my body and my soul every second of my life, I could not hate you at all. Your voice was the only voice in my heart that made it beat so much faster. You were the only man that I could think of for hours and never be able to replace his love with anything else.
If , only if, you could love me the way I am loving you, if only for one week, you could keep me for yourself and only yourself, if you wanted me to be yours for one more time, I would not have any reason, and any feeling that would let me to stop giving my love to you. I could never be angry with you. I could never find enough reason to care about my bad feelings than my heart. I would love you every second of my life and I would never hesitate to say and express it to you.
But that was a dream. I never succeeded to reach your heart again. You decided to hide it from me. Baby,
My life is ending tonight and I promise you, I swear on god, if my parents and their feelings were what stopped me from ending my life, tonight, nothing can do it anymore. Tonight, the only thing could stop me was your pure love and I know it is gone. If you read this, never cry for me, never feel bad, you were great and I know how great you can be with who owns your heart.
My soul will wait for yours, I promise you I will find your soul, I promise you, I will hug it and the more you try to get rid of me, I will hug you tighter. I will keep telling you:
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU ANDREW. And I will never stop it until my soul dies too.
Please do not forget the reason I called tonight was to tell how much I am in love with you and I am deeply sorry for breaking your heart. I called to say you will never know how much I wanted you to be happy even if it was not me in your arms. If I knew I had to work in your home for you, to cook food for you and your wife and clean your home, and this would make you happier than anything else, I swear to god, I would do it happily. I would cry when I would make your bed with her, and I would lay on where you lay for hours to smell you, but I would tolerate this endless pain only because I knew it would make you happy.
I wish, I wish my wish could come true. I wish me and you magically could go back to the time you loved me and wanted me for yourself so much. I knew what things I would fix at that time. I know how much and how I would give my love to you…but this dream like many other dreams will never come true.
I always will love you Andrew. I always will love you, kiss you and hug you even if I am a dead body with a free soul. My soul will be yours for hamisheh.
I love you and I always will love you, I love you Andrew, my love for you will never end, never, never.
