Feb 23 2011

I miss you SO MUCH!

That's the only thing I can feel, can say and can think of right now!

I AM MISSING YOU SO F U C K ING MUCH!

Feb 18 2011-Missing U

Missing you is killing me!

Maybe you’re doing the same thing as me...

I could kiss you a thousand times and still not be satisfied.

Maybe you want to call me so badly, but you won’t, because I didn’t call you yet… And then again, maybe I should not fill myself with an empty hope that you might just be missing me like I'm missing you. 

I am missing you so f*ucking much Andrew!

Feb 14 2011-Happy Valentin'es Day

The very first real Valentine’s Day that I had was with you. Before that, I never had a reason to celebrate it and to be excited for that day. I never felt anything better than the first one that we shared with each other. But what made the rest of them nicer and deeper, was our hopes. For having another one like the first one.

Today, I am carrying the memories of being with you, of being happy with you and sharing love with you. Today, even if you’re not with me, even if you’re not spending your “LOVE” day with me, I can’t change my mind and ask my heart to replace these memories with something newer. Once you have what you desired for in all of your life, you won’t accept anything smaller than that. I felt what everybody calls is: love, with you, on this day; even if it was only one time.

 It’s not about me convincing myself to give another chance to my heart to fall in love again; it’s about how far my heart let me go. My heart enjoys when I think of our memories, it cries because they are only memories not anything more, but it doesn’t let me look for something real again. Whatever is real happens one time.

 Love happens one time for everybody. When one time my heart started beating faster with knowing you were going to call me, when I cried for missing you, for losing you, it can happens one time. Maybe some people are right that the real love will leave you tears at the end.

I always was thinking we can change this theory, if it started with tears, maybe we could have a bigger happiness at the end…

Anyway,

I am sending this short email to you, because you are the only one who I loved and will love. And since this day is all about love, I’ll tell you: Happy Valentine’s day.

I have to be realistic even if it hurts so much. I have to face the idea of you being with the one who you really love today, or searching for the one who you want to give your endless love to. But whatever it is, I hope you find what you’re looking for today.

Because today is all about love, I want to tell you thank you for the love you gave me on the first and most beautiful Valentine’s Day that I had in all of my life. Thank you for making my heart beats faster and thank you for opening my eyes on many things that I didn’t know about guns, about honesty…

Maybe I never said this to you, but all the time you were talking about guns, and I was trying so hard to understand what you exactly mean, I was enjoying, it was like a hard work for me and when at the end, I could understand your meaning; I was feeling like someone who passed a very hard exam… I was happy when I could understand you while you were talking about your interests. Whatever I know about English, I learned it from you, now, my dreams and wishes are more special, because I know the language I want to express myself in them, now, I’m able to write much more correct letters to you than before.

You’re the only special person of my dreams, my world and my whole life

(Not the other meaning of special!); I do miss you all the time and while I am sitting in my small room (you can call it closet!), I have a very clear of the picture of who I want to be here. When I see an empty chair, I know I who I can accept to sit there. When I look at the small space between my fingers, I know whose fingers I want to fit there. I’m glad that I am carrying your picture on my heart, my mind and my whole life.

Whatever happens to me from the time you left me, will never be your fault. I have made too many mistakes in these years, because I found something extremely strange for my heart. Something that I didn’t know how I should react to its deep world.

Now, I know what I want from this world. I know, I am aware, that I will live in the wish of having your endless love again and I know it will stay a wish forever. The truth is, it is much nicer deeper and much more beautiful than trying looking for someone who I know is not and can’t be my special man. I lost what I had because of loneliness, stupidity, lies and … but none of these dark moments of my relationship with you, will convince me to start over again with someone else.

When I close my eyes, when I try to imagine a warm bed, I see your bed in my head even if I know that is not going to be me there! But I see your body lying next to mine, I see feeling your breathing on my skin; I see your red blanket and feel it very well. And that is not what I wish for. That is the only thing my mind and my heart can think of, and feel it the same time.

Life is all about balances and harmonies. I cannot trust what my body is asking me to do when my heart is refusing it completely. I can’t trust what my heart needs when my mind is telling me NO! but I found where I can have peace, and it is when I think of YOU, being around you, talking to you, laughing with you, making love to you, walking on the beach in a very cold night holding your hands, laying next to you on a sunny day on the grass, playing with pillows and play station with you and looking at you when you’re having a nice dream and are smiling while you’re sleeping…

I found my happiness and my peace in finding you at the same time in my mind and my heart and my body. Now, everything is balanced, everything is beautiful.

You are not a sick crazy man and you will never be. You’re great and I am sure you will stay great.

I LOVE YOU, I love you and I always will love you. I think I owe this sentence so much to you, because there was a time that I refused to say it to you, and there was a time that I thought I didn’t love you. There was a time that I found my peace in hating you and wanting to stay far from you, but while I was far, I lost that small peace too. Fighting with you always was and will be much deeper and beautiful than being in an endless peace with anyone else.

Maybe my manifest destiny is to lose you and then, realize how much I am in love with you. And it is the Consequences of too many wrong decisions I made. 

Happy Valentine’s Day Andrew,

my only man and my only love.

I wish the most beautiful loving successful days for you because you deserve to have them and

I will be PROUD OF LIVING WITH YOU for the rest of my life even if

 it WILL BE ONLY A LONG ENDLESS DREAM FOREVER….

Sh.B

Feb 14 2011

You Hate me!

Jun 09 2011

The only thing I have from happiness in this world is my NAME!

When I saw how badly you are trying to leave me, my heart broke again.

My heart asked me why Shaadi, why? He doesn’t love you. Let him go.

And I did it. I can’t lie to myself anymore. You just don’t love me. I am in one side relationship again. I am in love with someone who hates me. How painful that is.

Every word you were saying today was like a knife going directly into my heart. The only thing I could see, I could hear, I could feel was your hate.

I am sorry baby, I am sorry for forcing you to stay with me. I am sorry for always believing that you loved me and you really wanted me. You told me how much peace you are having without me. I know it is so easy for you to find someone else and you said everyone else is better than me for you!

When you can say something like that, this only means you hate me with all of your heart.

I can’t stay more baby. The truth is, I can not let you fail in hating me again. I cannot sit here and see how badly you want to leave me again. I am dead… I want to die. Without you, nothing means anything to me in this world. Without you, without your love, my world is a very empty cold world.

In one month is my birthday and like last year I have to tolerate it without you. You might forget that day as my birthday when you are with another woman. You might don’t even care or maybe even think I am with someone else…

But I won’t do anything. I will go to the mountain, the place that I wished for you the very first time. I will spend that day there, I will celebrate it alone with your dreams and I will wish for you to smile even when I am crying.

For almost 28 years, tears were my only friends. The only ones that never left me, the only ones that stayed with me for all of my life and the only ones that kept me warm when everybody else was cold…

Just know, the day you read this page, I won’t be here for you anymore. I won’t exist anymore. I will remove myself from this world so never bother you ever again.

And please never forget, until the last breath I take, I am so in love with you and I will never make any mistake to even try to replace you. My heart is only yours and will stay yours even if you left it a long time ago. I never wanted to hurt you, to talk bad with you and to bother you. I wish for one time, just one time more, you would open your heart for me again; maybe then everything could start growing again.

But you think I don’t deserve it…I love you Andrew, and I will die in loving you…

Feb 02 2010-Happy Anniversary

THE 6TH ANNIVERSARY!

Happy anniversary sweetheart

I am alone, but my heart is so in love with you.

I am celebrating today with you in my dreams. I am hugging you, kissing you, dancing with you and walking with you in the midnight on the beach.

We are making love with so much passion, happiness and excitement.

And then, we fall asleep when our hearts touch each other one more time…

Happy Anniversary my world,

Even if I am not in your world anymore,

I still am in love with you, I still adore you and I still live with you in every single dream I have.