June 27 2011

From now on, whenever I am dying in missing you, I pick up the phone to call you, to hear your voice, i Will remember this:

"(6/27/2011 7:43:56 AM): STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!"

This was your last message to me. your last word, your good bye to me.

If you're happy without me, Now, I am happy for you. If there is one thing that I should be happy for you in this world, is you having your last wish come true.

Who cares what happens to me, Who cares how I will become More depressed every day, who cares when I will end my life because I can not tolerate this world without you, who cares where i will live from now on, who cares how much and how Long I will cry and cry to drown myself in my tears...

I just care that you're happy now. I always wanted to die for you to have your happiness and maybe it's time now.

I'll love you and my heart will be your home forever....

I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS DATE: JUNE 15 2011

WEDNESDAY,

JUNE 15 2011

AT 2:30 PM

YOU KILLED MY HEART!

AND THE ONLY THING YOU NEED TO KNOW FOR NOW AND FOREVER IS: 

MY HAPPINESS WILL NEVER BECOME COMPLETE WITHOUT YOU

AND

MY HEART WILL ALWAYS BEAT KNOWING 

ITS BIGGEST PART IS LOST...

June 02 2011- u broke my heart forever...

When you started contacting me 2 days ago, I felt something like a hope in my heart. But soon after that, when you said your ONLY reason for contacting me, I found out it was not hope, it was another dream.

Tonight, You broke my heart because you didn't count me even as a human being who should defend herself and explain why she answers your question in a way that you think is the wrong way. You showed me how cheap I am for you. When you don't see me as a human, How can i expect some treatment like respecting, loving, caring and ... from you for myself?

I will remember and save your last sentence to me here and in my heart forever.

You broke my heart for the last time but I hope, when my heart is broken like this, you at least have happiness without me...

your last sentences were: 

"F U C K YOU! 

GO F U C K YOURSELF. DO NOT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN."

AND This is my last sentence to you:

"I ALWAYS WILL DEEPLY BE IN LOVE WITH YOU, WISH FOR YOUR HAPPINESS AND PRAY THAT NO ONE BREAKS YOUR HEART LIKE HOW YOU BROKE MINE. I WILL MISS YOU IN EVERY MOMENT OF MY LIFE FROM NOW ON AND I WILL LOVE ONLY YOU 
BARAAYEH HAMISHEH."

May 28 2011

I am missing you so much but what can I do?

You are happy and free without me an that's what you wanted for all of this time.

How could you play with me like a toy and Today, leave me alone in the pain of missing you and needing you?

I'm missing MY LOVE...

MAY 05 2011-THE END

DON'T WORRY SWEETHEART,

I BELIEVE YOU, I BELIEVE YOU DON'T LOVE ME, I BELIEVE YOUR HEART IS NOT BEATING FOR ME, I BELIEVE YOU.

I AM LEAVING YOU AND THIS WORLD FOREVER. I AM LETTING YOU BE HAPPY WITHOUT ME. I WON'T BREAK YOUR HEART ANYMORE.

I WILL DISAPPEAR EXACTLY AS WHAT YOU WANTED FOR A LONG TIME. AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING MORE. I WILL LET YOU BE FREE AND THAT IS, 

ONLY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

MY SOUL WILL NEVER STOP LOOKING AT YOU WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING AND IT WILL NEVER STOP PROTECTING YOU. I WILL DIE IN LOVING YOU AND MISSING YOU FOR ETERNITY.

AND THIS IS,

MY END.

April 25 2011- GOODBYE MY LOVE, GOOD BYE MY LIFE

The moment I decided to let you see this page( that I am sure you didn’t even read my heart’s words), I knew it’s time for my death. I knew I would be completely disappointed, depressed and heartbroken.

I tried so hard to talk to you every time you came back to me. I tried to open my heart for you; I tried to reveal my pains for you so you see what is behind all of my pains, is your love. I tried to ask you to let me love you, to help me to show my love but I didn’t reach you. I never could reach you. You were hiding somewhere behind your pains and your sadness and I was much smaller than your hate.

I never thought one day, I will decide to end my life. I never thought I would do it before I can feel your arms around me and your lips on mine. But it’s time to leave baby. Like the story of that 2 famous lovers: Romeo and Juliet.

I hope you are alive and you stay alive. I hope nothing in this world can hurt you ever again. I hope you become so rich to buy everything you want. I hope you find your real love. I hope you can hate me more than today and more than ever that never have to feel bad for my death. I have to be out of your life and for that I have to be removed from this world.

I want to say the things that I wanted to say recently for many times to you, but I couldn’t. Because you always were busy for shouting at me, cursing me, breaking me under your feet and showing me how cheap I am in your life.

I wanted to open my heart for you so badly. I wanted to say these things before my death. But…

I am so in love with you. I am so much in love with you. I am sure when you love someone; you will do everything you can to share it with that woman. You can be the greatest man on this earth. When you smile, I always remember when I said I loved your smile and you told me your smile, is like a dog’s smile and I remember I was thinking in my mind, how he can say that, this is the most beautiful smile I have ever seen from a man. I know with all of my heart, when you are in love with a woman, you are so sweet, so loving, very deep and extremely caring.

I never felt what I am feeling for you. I never felt the beats of my heart and how they become faster when I talk about having you in my arms. I know I complained so much recently. But the truth is, if we could be alive for 100 years, and if I could never feel your love one day more, I still would remember how it was when you loved me. I still would remember how your love was affecting on my dark broken heart in years and how it opened my eyes on dark secrets of my life to see them, to accept them and to pass them. Your love made me an adult. Your love was like a vitamin for my soul. For me that was always my biggest obstacle in my own life. Your love was fresh, like spring blossoms. Your love was pure like water; your love was tender and delicious. Your love was making me feel alive. Making me enjoy being alive. Your love was my third leg when my legs were tired of walking in this road. Your love made me another person. Your love helped me to breathe again whenever I was about to die under the pressure of my pains.

When I lost your love, I lost myself. I lost the road that I was in. when I lost your love; I was a lonely stupid tired girl again. A bitch that didn’t know anyone else but herself. I was nothing again. I couldn’t find any meaning in anything else anymore. Without your love, I was a mountain of anger and tears. I was like a dead body that wants to bite and hurt. I was and am nothing without your love.

There were so many days that I wanted to call you, as soon as I hear your voice scream so loudly on the phone that: baby, I am SO in love with you, please give your heart back to me, I will never break it.

But I knew I shouldn’t do that. You could never have peace with a piece of shit like me. You could never sleep next to me and do not remember how many other people touched me. The last time, I was taking a shower it was the time you were asking me for a video. I was washing my skin so hard that it became really red. It started hurting. I wanted to wash all of my pains away; I wanted to make myself pure like a baby again. I knew I will never have the place I wanted to have in your heart. I knew I could never tell you how much I love you and you don’t doubt it at first. I knew I f u c k ed  up and I had to carry the pain alone on my shoulder. The very least thing I deserved was to die in pain and tears. But I could never hate you. The days I told you I hated you; I hated myself for saying that. I wanted to kill myself for saying the greatest lie in my life to you. I could never hate you, if you were hitting me every day, if you were hurting me so much, if you were torturing my body and my soul every second of my life, I could not hate you at all. Your voice was the only voice in my heart that made it beat so much faster.  You were the only man that I could think of for hours and never be able to replace his love with anything else.

If , only if, you could love me the way I am loving you, if only for one week, you could keep me for yourself and only yourself, if you wanted me to be yours for one more time, I would not have any reason, and any feeling that would let me to stop giving my love to you. I could never be angry with you. I could never find enough reason to care about my bad feelings than my heart. I would love you every second of my life and I would never hesitate to say and express it to you.

But that was a dream. I never succeeded to reach your heart again. You decided to hide it from me. Baby,

My life is ending tonight and I promise you, I swear on god, if my parents and their feelings were what stopped me from ending my life, tonight, nothing can do it anymore. Tonight, the only thing could stop me was your pure love and I know it is gone. If you read this, never cry for me, never feel bad, you were great and I know how great you can be with who owns your heart.

My soul will wait for yours, I promise you I will find your soul, I promise you, I will hug it and the more you try to get rid of me, I will hug you tighter. I will keep telling you:

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU ANDREW. And I will never stop it until my soul dies too.

Please do not forget the reason I called tonight was to tell how much I am in love with you and I am deeply sorry for breaking your heart. I called to say you will never know how much I wanted you to be happy even if it was not me in your arms. If I knew I had to work in your home for you, to cook food for you and your wife and clean your home, and this would make you happier than anything else, I swear to god, I would do it happily. I would cry when I would make your bed with her, and I would lay on where you lay for hours to smell you, but I would tolerate this endless pain only because I knew it would make you happy.

I wish, I wish my wish could come true. I wish me and you magically could go back to the time you loved me and wanted me for yourself so much. I knew what things I would fix at that time. I know how much and how I would give my love to you…but this dream like many other dreams will never come true.

I always will love you Andrew. I always will love you, kiss you and hug you even if I am a dead body with a free soul. My soul will be yours for hamisheh.

I love you and I always will love you, I love you Andrew, my love for you will never end, never, never.

April 24 2011-Last

I have decided to let you have the freedom you always wanted without me. 

I am convinced you don't love me, and I am sure easier than what I can ever imagine you can replace me.

So, you won't lose anything except you will get rid of a piece of 
S H I T who you called it: Shaadi

I know how to end my life, to end this pain, to end these dreams, to end the moments of seeing how much you hate me and want a life without me. I know how.

April 24 2011

I'm having fever. It is only because of you. When I was walking to come home, I was wishing I could hate you. but immediately i realized that's not what can ever happen. I can not hate you ...

and do you know what is painful? 

To see how much you hate me every single day of my life and still can not hate you...

April 08 2011-I hate the way I could never hate you.

Time will make you forget me but time will make me love you more than before.

***

Andrew,

I am lost without you. I don’t even know where to begin

How are you doing in your life without me in it?

I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I don’t have. It's really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don't want to let him go but it is even more painful to ask someone to stay if they never wanted to stay.

I hate the way I could never hate you.

I let you go Because no matter what I want, you wanted me to be out of your life. You said if i love you so much, I have to let you go and I did it.... When my heart was breaking apart...

still here I am, hurting and breaking

I know every day I will wait if my phone will ring, I will force myself to sleep, Maybe somehow i can catch you in my dreams.

Without you, oh, without you Andrew,

this world is too empty to live.

even cursing you won't make me feel better. This heavy and deep sadness in my heart doesn't let me to get up again, to move forward, to walk. 

My love for you, comes from the deepest part of my heart. That’s the reason why I died inside when you left.

 because you took a piece of my heart and left a hole in that! 

The more I love, the more I feel the pain. 

You never realized what was happening to me, all the time I was begging for your love, you pretended it is somewhere in your heart, but I never saw it anymore. today, i found out why. it was dead. a long time ago...

I wonder how you are now, I don’t know if you are OK,
or ....

I wish you are happy now,; now that I'm removed from your life. Now, that you don't have anyone to break her heart every day, Now, that you don't have to be bad and unkind....I wish you are satisfied, now, that I know how deep your hate for me is... 

I just know, from now on, I will feel one thing,

Just MISSING you All the time,

and I just will do one thing,

Just looking for who I met in my dreams, my imaginations and my tears.

The reality is as dark as your heart is... full of hate, disappointment, loneliness, and depression.

i will find my happiness in LOVING you, even if you're gone and are loving someone else.

Maybe it will be good to have someone somewhere in this world, to LOVE you when you don't love them, 
maybe it's good...

 

April 01 2011

Again me and missing you, But there is nothing I can do anymore.\

I tried to fight with my depression, I tried very hard to stay hopeful, to tell myself everything will get better but I can't continue this anymore, not alone... you say you're there for me, but the truth is, you're not. NOT when

I need you.

I am not a weak woman, truly i am very strong  But I'm tired of being strong. there is no point in doing that anymore. I am 28! too old for having dreams... i have to live in reality and the reality is telling me, there is no hope in wishing lovely days with you anymore. 

Last night, for the first time, I was missing you and didn't want to contact you.. then, I walked and saw my mom was sleeping and realized now, I can't hug her too... now, i am very lonely. There is no one anywhere in this world that is missing me and wanting to hold me tightly anymore...

Mar 22 2011

Everything is so funny!

You called me on my birthday, you were like a dream coming true! You were kind, loving and sweet!

But because it was a DREAM, is gone now!

I can't say how much I loved you more on those days, I was so happy, even with the problems i was dealing with, I was happy for having someone on this earth who IS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH ME...

but it's gone, you're gone again....

I don't want to call you anymore, I feel destroyed, i feel broken, I feel like someone who is happy as long as she is sleeping... I can not live without you, NOT only because I'm in love with you, also, because I can not find one small reason for wanting another man or being with them.

I really love you, you will read these sentences so soon. you might not find me then. I am telling you, on these days of MY NEW YEAR, I am so lonely, but i don't want to share my lonely moments with anyone else. 

I was not with you because I was alone without you!

AND I will stay alone because I can only be with you...

I love you SO MUCH

March 04-You left me again!

It was only a few days ago when you said you can not LIVE without me!

and it was today, when you cursed me and left me alone....

You're right baby, you don't love me... it is all  your imagination... you can leave me alone and don't care about anything else anymore...

I will never be happy for the days I wasted and I hurt your heart... but I will never be happy for the days you spent with me, but your heart never was with me, you kept breaking me, breaking my heart and showing me nothing but HATE...

it seems i am nothing in your life and you just lied when you said you can't live without me... 

you can, as easy as you can hang on phone, the only connection i am having with you... yes, you really hate me, i wish i could hate you... i wish...

Feb 23 2011

I miss you SO MUCH!

That's the only thing I can feel, can say and can think of right now!

I AM MISSING YOU SO F U C K ING MUCH!

Feb 18 2011-Missing U

Missing you is killing me!

Maybe you’re doing the same thing as me...

I could kiss you a thousand times and still not be satisfied.

Maybe you want to call me so badly, but you won’t, because I didn’t call you yet… And then again, maybe I should not fill myself with an empty hope that you might just be missing me like I'm missing you. 

I am missing you so f*ucking much Andrew!

Feb 14 2011-Happy Valentin'es Day

The very first real Valentine’s Day that I had was with you. Before that, I never had a reason to celebrate it and to be excited for that day. I never felt anything better than the first one that we shared with each other. But what made the rest of them nicer and deeper, was our hopes. For having another one like the first one.

Today, I am carrying the memories of being with you, of being happy with you and sharing love with you. Today, even if you’re not with me, even if you’re not spending your “LOVE” day with me, I can’t change my mind and ask my heart to replace these memories with something newer. Once you have what you desired for in all of your life, you won’t accept anything smaller than that. I felt what everybody calls is: love, with you, on this day; even if it was only one time.

 It’s not about me convincing myself to give another chance to my heart to fall in love again; it’s about how far my heart let me go. My heart enjoys when I think of our memories, it cries because they are only memories not anything more, but it doesn’t let me look for something real again. Whatever is real happens one time.

 Love happens one time for everybody. When one time my heart started beating faster with knowing you were going to call me, when I cried for missing you, for losing you, it can happens one time. Maybe some people are right that the real love will leave you tears at the end.

I always was thinking we can change this theory, if it started with tears, maybe we could have a bigger happiness at the end…

Anyway,

I am sending this short email to you, because you are the only one who I loved and will love. And since this day is all about love, I’ll tell you: Happy Valentine’s day.

I have to be realistic even if it hurts so much. I have to face the idea of you being with the one who you really love today, or searching for the one who you want to give your endless love to. But whatever it is, I hope you find what you’re looking for today.

Because today is all about love, I want to tell you thank you for the love you gave me on the first and most beautiful Valentine’s Day that I had in all of my life. Thank you for making my heart beats faster and thank you for opening my eyes on many things that I didn’t know about guns, about honesty…

Maybe I never said this to you, but all the time you were talking about guns, and I was trying so hard to understand what you exactly mean, I was enjoying, it was like a hard work for me and when at the end, I could understand your meaning; I was feeling like someone who passed a very hard exam… I was happy when I could understand you while you were talking about your interests. Whatever I know about English, I learned it from you, now, my dreams and wishes are more special, because I know the language I want to express myself in them, now, I’m able to write much more correct letters to you than before.

You’re the only special person of my dreams, my world and my whole life

(Not the other meaning of special!); I do miss you all the time and while I am sitting in my small room (you can call it closet!), I have a very clear of the picture of who I want to be here. When I see an empty chair, I know I who I can accept to sit there. When I look at the small space between my fingers, I know whose fingers I want to fit there. I’m glad that I am carrying your picture on my heart, my mind and my whole life.

Whatever happens to me from the time you left me, will never be your fault. I have made too many mistakes in these years, because I found something extremely strange for my heart. Something that I didn’t know how I should react to its deep world.

Now, I know what I want from this world. I know, I am aware, that I will live in the wish of having your endless love again and I know it will stay a wish forever. The truth is, it is much nicer deeper and much more beautiful than trying looking for someone who I know is not and can’t be my special man. I lost what I had because of loneliness, stupidity, lies and … but none of these dark moments of my relationship with you, will convince me to start over again with someone else.

When I close my eyes, when I try to imagine a warm bed, I see your bed in my head even if I know that is not going to be me there! But I see your body lying next to mine, I see feeling your breathing on my skin; I see your red blanket and feel it very well. And that is not what I wish for. That is the only thing my mind and my heart can think of, and feel it the same time.

Life is all about balances and harmonies. I cannot trust what my body is asking me to do when my heart is refusing it completely. I can’t trust what my heart needs when my mind is telling me NO! but I found where I can have peace, and it is when I think of YOU, being around you, talking to you, laughing with you, making love to you, walking on the beach in a very cold night holding your hands, laying next to you on a sunny day on the grass, playing with pillows and play station with you and looking at you when you’re having a nice dream and are smiling while you’re sleeping…

I found my happiness and my peace in finding you at the same time in my mind and my heart and my body. Now, everything is balanced, everything is beautiful.

You are not a sick crazy man and you will never be. You’re great and I am sure you will stay great.

I LOVE YOU, I love you and I always will love you. I think I owe this sentence so much to you, because there was a time that I refused to say it to you, and there was a time that I thought I didn’t love you. There was a time that I found my peace in hating you and wanting to stay far from you, but while I was far, I lost that small peace too. Fighting with you always was and will be much deeper and beautiful than being in an endless peace with anyone else.

Maybe my manifest destiny is to lose you and then, realize how much I am in love with you. And it is the Consequences of too many wrong decisions I made. 

Happy Valentine’s Day Andrew,

my only man and my only love.

I wish the most beautiful loving successful days for you because you deserve to have them and

I will be PROUD OF LIVING WITH YOU for the rest of my life even if

 it WILL BE ONLY A LONG ENDLESS DREAM FOREVER….

Sh.B

Feb 14 2011

You Hate me!

Jun 09 2011

The only thing I have from happiness in this world is my NAME!

When I saw how badly you are trying to leave me, my heart broke again.

My heart asked me why Shaadi, why? He doesn’t love you. Let him go.

And I did it. I can’t lie to myself anymore. You just don’t love me. I am in one side relationship again. I am in love with someone who hates me. How painful that is.

Every word you were saying today was like a knife going directly into my heart. The only thing I could see, I could hear, I could feel was your hate.

I am sorry baby, I am sorry for forcing you to stay with me. I am sorry for always believing that you loved me and you really wanted me. You told me how much peace you are having without me. I know it is so easy for you to find someone else and you said everyone else is better than me for you!

When you can say something like that, this only means you hate me with all of your heart.

I can’t stay more baby. The truth is, I can not let you fail in hating me again. I cannot sit here and see how badly you want to leave me again. I am dead… I want to die. Without you, nothing means anything to me in this world. Without you, without your love, my world is a very empty cold world.

In one month is my birthday and like last year I have to tolerate it without you. You might forget that day as my birthday when you are with another woman. You might don’t even care or maybe even think I am with someone else…

But I won’t do anything. I will go to the mountain, the place that I wished for you the very first time. I will spend that day there, I will celebrate it alone with your dreams and I will wish for you to smile even when I am crying.

For almost 28 years, tears were my only friends. The only ones that never left me, the only ones that stayed with me for all of my life and the only ones that kept me warm when everybody else was cold…

Just know, the day you read this page, I won’t be here for you anymore. I won’t exist anymore. I will remove myself from this world so never bother you ever again.

And please never forget, until the last breath I take, I am so in love with you and I will never make any mistake to even try to replace you. My heart is only yours and will stay yours even if you left it a long time ago. I never wanted to hurt you, to talk bad with you and to bother you. I wish for one time, just one time more, you would open your heart for me again; maybe then everything could start growing again.

But you think I don’t deserve it…I love you Andrew, and I will die in loving you…