Dec 26 2010

I'M MISSING YOU SO MUCH AND IT'S EXTREMELY SAD THAT YOU DON'T MISS ME AT ALL!

Merry Christmas (2010)

Why can't the time slow down when I am with you,
why can't it go fast when I am without you

*****

Merry Christmas my baby

You probably had some of your new and old friends! Calling you and saying this sentence to you, but since you will never answer my call, because you don’t even see me as an old friend, I only can say this here. In a page that one day, you will read it.

Every second of my days are passing this the thought of what you are doing at the moment, what you are eating, what movie you are watching, who you are spending your time with, if you are smiling, if you miss me, if you care what I am doing at all or not and … thousand of unanswered questions.

Today I don’t want to complain. I know when you are reading these lines; you won’t care what I am going through, how much I miss you and what I really would die to have…

I always thought we would grow old together.

I always thought we would be much happier than most people because we will have so many days to celebrate. We will have your celebration days and mine with each other.

I always thought what I would do for the Christmas day for you to make that day a happy an important day for you. But now, with each tear falling on my face, those happy days are fading away.

I will never be able to tolerate seeing you holding another woman’s hand, hugging her and kissing her… because I would never believe your heart will say:” I LOVE YOU” to someone else… but, now, with knowing this dark truth that  you will have this day soon, I want to with a nice happy life for you. I want to say I am sorry that I won’t be here to see your smile one more time. I am sorry that I can not stay alive to make money for you and make your life easier. I am sorry that I can not live without you.

I found my miracle and the man of my dream when I found you. That was why I accepted to live in this world and now, without you, what reason can I have to waste more air?

Merry Christmas Andrew 

For now and for all years that i won't be able to say it to you.

Dec 23 2010

Today when My phone rang and I saw an unknown number, My heart started beating faster!

I thought it was YOU, but I was wrong, when I called you and no one answered me!

It seems loneliness is a part my life. I was thinking of those happy moments that I had with you a long time ago, now, they all seems like a sweet dream.  I can't believe one day they actually happened.

Every time  you left me alone, in my pain, I let my mind bring me to the world that I wanted to be in with you. I let my mind to fly to the heaven that I wanted to build with you. I wanted to fly to you, to your home and caress your face when you are sleeping... and I always ask myself if you would feel me then or if you would have a dream about me then....

The Truth is, I always wanted you even when you were cursing me and breaking my heart, I still anted you but now, I don't want you in that way. I was able to go through everything because of the love that I was receiving and what I will have without you, except a cold man who doesn't want to even spend one second with me?

I love you Andrew, And one day, you will find this page and you will maybe , just maybe feel my loneliness without you. maybe you will know why I don't want to live for someone else... my whole world was made becasue of you... without you I was not alive... 

and now, I don't want to be alive without you...

Loneliness is darkness
A never-ending night.
Even though the black won't go away,
You'll never fall asleep.
Because loneliness sparks a fear
And unlike other nightmares
Awakening will not vanish it;

For the darkness is too strong
To allow any rest.
It makes memories into ghosts
And dreams into spirits.
Too vague to remember
Too important to forget.

Dec 22 2010-2

I miss you terribly

I am lost and restless

In all of my life everyone I had loved had left me. 

With you, I was so confident.

So secure in the thought of forever.

You were my home and now, 

i am walking in the streets of loneliness, 

and with each step, I look around maybe I can find you somewhere, 

but you are not there

And I am again, missing you, 

wishing for a miracle that may never happen….

12 22 2010!!!!!!!!!

look at that date!!!!!!!!! it's like my birthday date( of course in our calendar!)

 I didn't want to post anything here before you leave me again and you left me today!

It's like my birthday dates, will be the worse days in my life.

it took only 10 days for you to leave me again.

but this time , it was very unfair.

i needed you today. I needed you to be a calm man and take care of me only for one day. 

But you thought like always that I don't deserve that. 

When you even said I was nice and loving the last time we talked. even for returning that to me, you refused to be kind with me. 

Today was one of the hardest day for me in my life and you still with knowing that, 

refused to help me. 

Now, I am here, wondering, if you could not be good today, 

how can I count on you for any other day?

The truth is, the more I stay with you, The more I see how much you hate me. 

You don't spend a minute for us. you don't spend a day for us to make something happens.

You just hate me and how difficult and heartbreaking it is, to be in love with who hates me the most...

Dec 12 2010-1

I didn't post anything here for a week. because you came back to me.

but you left me again!

you are like wind in a hot summer.

You blow and when I close my eyes to enjoy this cool wind, you leave me and then, I realize It is summer and it is hot again.

We both know the only reason I have tolerated so much physical pain, it was becasue of YOU. it was because I wanted to get better for you. but what is my reason with you?

You don't know how stress and tears will kill me. You don't care and I understand.

Because You won't be here to see me, to hug me and to kiss me.

You asked me to think of us in the future before I sleep and how could you offer something like that to me when you wanted to just leave me!

Do you know how many dreams I had about you these nights? do you know each night i convinced myself to sleep in peace because tomorrow i can share my life with you?

the truth is, you didn't come back to stay. 

you wanted to leave

and I think there is no reason for me to be hopeful...

you already said how much you hate me and 

GOD! why am I in love with someone who hates me?... is that your way for punishing me?

Dec 04 2010

Another day without you.

I have lost all of my hopes.

I know you won’t come back to me.

All of my wishes, dreams and happiness for having a loving future with the only man who I am so in love with in this world is dying now.

I don’t pray anymore. There is no God who can hear me. There is no one who can see my tears. There is no one who cares for me. I’m alone, like 6 years ago; between some animals who want to use me…I’m alone again…

The only difference is, I have a broken heart this time, and a missing piece which you took it from me and I will never find it anywhere else with anyone else…

I already am dead.

Dec 03 2010-2

I miss you terribly

I am lost and restless

All my life everyone I had loved had left me. With you, I was so confident.

So secure in the thought of forever.

You were my home and now, i am walking in the streets of loneliness, and with each step, I look around maybe I can find you somewhere, but you are not there

And I am again, missing you, wishing for a miracle that may never happen….